...

Cap Haitien (where Jac is from) has been hit very hard by Hurricane Hanna, and is experiencing wide-spread flooding. The roads are covered in water and there is significant damage. The children at the creche in Lagosette (where Jac stayed) are doing fine, but it is cold and wet there. Petionville, Gonavies, and the rescue center in Cazale have all been hit very hard. The Livesays are hanging in there, but have also experienced quite a bit of damage. Port-au-prince is struggling under flood waters as well.

Please, please pray that Jellybean's family (near Cap) is safe. I have no way of finding out if they are.

This is extremely hard.

Struggling...

I'm struggling here.

Haiti is getting hit hard. Again..

I have friends there. I have friends who's babies are there. Jellybean's family is there. His grandpa and grandma, whom I love dearly, are there. In Northern Haiti.

I've been pretty teary today.

Wishing I knew they were all ok.

Wishing I could do something.

Anything.

Praying God will take care of them.

Just a little note. I'm posting on my other blog as well again. Too much to say I guess. :) You can find it at
Life On The Flip-Side.

You take the floor...

Wow! I had no idea it'd been so long since I posted! Time just kind of got away from me. :)

Lots has been happening here. I've got two little ones who's hearts are changing and it's been an amazing transformation to watch.

Jellybean has not had a rage now since the time I posted the last one. He actually almost never even has a tantrum. He has developed a new skill instead, and is working very hard to perfect his "pout". He watches his older sister and I see the little wheels turning in his brain.

Thinking.

Thinking.

Thinking.

He now sits on the rug by the front door, his arms crossed, trying desperately to look mad while he says, "humph!". Honestly, I have a very hard time not laughing. It truly is hysterical to see. :) Most of the time if I start to laugh, he's not far behind with the giggles. Goofy kid. :) He's become a velcro child, but that I can deal with. He's the third kid I've had that seems to be permanently attached to one of my hips. ;)

And Peanut.

What a difference in this little girl. Before we ever brought her home, I used to call her "my little mariposa."

My "little butterfly".

I had no idea how true those words would be. Her transformation is truly precious to my heart, and to do it justice, I need to save that all for a later post.

The thing I really came here to talk about is you all. :)

One question that I seem to get over and over is, "What can I expect when my child comes home?". It's a great question, but one that's impossible to answer. Each child is so unique, and each child has developed their own walls and their own coping skills, and it's not even possible for me to tell you how your particular child might respond to you. All I can do is give examples from my own two so that you have some knowledge of what it feels like to LIVE with a child you have not had in your home. But what I am hearing (and maybe I'm wrong on this) is, an underlying fear of, "Will my child have attachment problems?".

I want to tell you something.

There was a time when I wondered this too. Attachment is hard work. It's very, very hard. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. To see your child blossom right before your very eyes is nothing short of witnessing a small miracle.

What I think parents really need to be aware of though, is that your own reactions to your child's behavior are what might really be the thing you need to focus on. When this little person, whom you've loved for months and months in pictures, turns around wanting nothing to do with you, you might find that what you thought was a solid self-esteem is suddenly thrown into the toilet. Those of you who've struggled with a child who fights against attachment know what I mean. The behaviors that these kids use to survive and your reaction to them, can cause you to feel like you are floundering in quicksand.

I think it's awfully important that those of us who have our children home, talk this over with those of you out there who are waiting. I often felt like the biggest hypocrite on the block. There is such guilt that when just under the surface you are seething at the behavior your child is showing. It's awkward and humiliating all rolled into one.

Please, just know that if you are going through this, or if you go through this, you are certainly not alone. :) There are a lot of us out here who never expected to find our hearts bruised and on display. And there are a lot of us who cry behind closed doors too.

I could go on and on talking to you about things that I think are important in bringing home an older child, but what I really want to know is what do YOU want to know? My goal when I started this was to try to be transparent about adoption so that no-one ever feels alone in their journey. I know there are some of you with those questions you really want to ask, but are either scared to ask, or just haven't had anyone you could ask them to. I'd like to open this up and try talk through some of those things with you in these next posts.

So what is it that you want to know from me?

What can I do to ease your mind about older child adoption?

What question do you really need me to answer?

The Gift...

Somehow along the way I forgot to breathe...

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

The past 3 years have been filled with some of the greatest heartache and trials I have ever known. Losing two children I loved dearly in a horrific adoption, then accepting two more who each came home with fears and issues of their own, my heart was ravaged. Recently the more time dragged on, the more ensnared my heart felt. I got to the point that I dreaded each new day, not knowing what problems that day would bring. I was unpleasant to my kids and unhappy with life in general.

I knew something had to change in my heart, but I wasn't sure exactly what it was, and how to go about changing it.

So I found myself on my knees.

A lot.

Not exactly sure what to pray for, but trusting that the God who sees all, did know.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Somehow along the way I forgot to breathe...

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Today, all my older girls were busy doing other things. Tibs had piano and it was a gorgeous day outside. While she was at piano, I decided to take Peanut and Jellybean to the park to burn off some little kid energy.

Maybe it was the beautiful sunshine.

Maybe it was the gentle and cool breeze.

I definitely know it was the breath of God on my heart.

As I sat there on the park bench watching my two youngest children, I prayed. Begging God to show me Himself and praying desperately for my own worn out heart. Praying I would fully attach to these two, and be able to get past my own feelings of failure as a mom.

And as I sat there on that warm park bench, I looked at my kids.

I mean I really looked at them.

And as I looked, an overwhelming flood of feelings poured from Heaven across my soul.

I thought back to 2 1/2 years ago when we saw them for the very first time in an email. I thought back to all the days and nights I sat praying for them, wondering if they were ok, wondering if they were loved. I remembered dreaming of each of them and imagining how our lives would be with them. I felt all the frustration and desperation of those days of waiting. I remembered how the waiting burdened my soul so deeply sometimes, that I felt it would smother me.

I thought back to their first days and months home, when my life felt completely chaotic and scrambled. When I searched for solid ground, only to struggle on shifting sand. I thought of all the tears we'd shed and the words we'd exchanged. The pain we endured and the rages we'd worked through. The bruises on my body, and the ones held deeper in my heart.

And as I sat sifting through the flood of emotions, and thoughts, and dreams, God's hand gently moved me as He planted something very healing in my heart. A vibrant, green, seedling of hope, and of joy.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Somehow along the way I forgot to breathe...

Sitting there on that park bench, I took a deep breath in...

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

My babies are home.

We are doing fine.

We are going to make it.

We are a family.

And all those dreams I had during the long days of waiting, imagining how our life would be?

He reminded me that the time is now.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Finally I am breathing.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I got off my park bench and climbed on to the toy horses with my kids. They squealed with delight and surprise. And in that moment I lifted my own face in laughter to the Son.

We rode.

On and on.

Giggling.

Talking.

Today we began Living.

Today we were granted a precious gift.

Today we breathed in the promises of a God who never forgets.

A God who's plan is always...always good.

Peace....

The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29;11

Today I want to say Happy Birthday to 2 of my favorite people in the world.:)

Today my children a thousand miles away celebrate another birthday without their family.

Today our sweet SoccerBoy turns 11 and our precious Princess turns 9.

3 1/2 years ago we would never have guessed they still wouldn't be home.

And yet...

Today we find ourselves at peace.

Today we find ourselves in firmly planted in God's calm and gentle hands.

Happy Birthday sweet children.

We are never giving up hope.

WE LOVE YOU.

Sorry....

We seem to have reached some sort of plateau here with the little man. :)

The last few weeks seemed to have brought his raging to a head. He would cry and scream over nothing, over everything. Always ending by wanting to be held and to be cuddled. We would go a day or two, then I could feel the tension building in his body. Needing to explode his feelings in the safety of my arms.

Honestly the constant raging wore me down, and many times questioned whether or not this was really working, since everything felt like it was escalating.

Then one day I noticed something.

It was one day, then two, then three. Suddenly I realized it had been several days with no meltdowns. I was breathing again. And it seemed, so was he.

Then one day this past week I just blew it. I was tired and out of sorts and he picked up on it immediately. Becoming more clingy than normal. Begging to be picked up and carried. Whining endlessly. And I just couldn't be the bigger person and walk inside his pain.

And so he raged. A rage from long ago. The screaming and spitting and stripping. My own anger matched his.

I. Just. Wanted. It. To. Stop.

Finally I realized I was in no place to cope well with him and I handed him off to dh. I went into the bathroom and prayed and cried and wondered why on earth God had chosen me to be a mom (yeah, I'm hard on myself:)).

After a few minutes of calm, I picked myself up and dusted off my thoughts. I could still hear Jellybean crying outside, but I could also hear dh talking calmly with him. Holding him and not taking anything kiddo was saying personally. Jellybean was still crying when the door opened and in they came. Jellybean went and changed his slobbery jammies and through hiccupy cries let me brush his teeth.

Then in his broken little voice, he said, "mommy, I'm sorry I was so sad."

Be still my heart.

A knife.

I got down on my knees and hugged him as the feelings of guilt swept over me. I told him it was not bad to be sad but it wasn't ok to hit and slobber and scream. But even more important, I had some major apologizing to do. I told him I was sorry I was so mad and that the way I acted was not ok.

That night seems to have solidified something in him. I'm not even sure what it is. He has been rock solid ever since. When I can tell he is starting to feel dysregulated, he will let me pick him up and cuddle him out of his mood. And he will truly let it go. Some fear between us just simply vanished.

Yesterday and today he is taking giant leaps forward. He is telling Peanut he is sorry and accepting her apologies. He is telling her to be nice and expecting she will.

He is using his words.

And it is amazing to watch it all unfold. :)

I'm not saying I think this is the end of the rages, but I think he has felt something inside himself truly, deeply trust.

And that's a huge first step towards healing for my little guy.