I found this on another blog and it was certainly something I needed to hear today.
What a week it's been.
Wednesday was spent anxiously waiting any news from Guatemala. Emailing those who hold the answers.
Nothing.
Thursday was more of the same, with more emails sent to try confirm any details.
Again nothing.
After a restless night Wednesday, and shedding lots of tears on Thursday, Friday was spent making phone calls and sending a flurry of emails to people in Guatemala. Determination replaced the tears.
Here is what we know. And what we don't.
Our case is complete, but has not been reviewed. The people in power have asked that it be reviewed by this coming Wednesday so that plans can be made to either correct any paperwork that needs correcting, or that the Empathy Study can be scheduled. Next week will be spent waiting to hear if the contacts have been made where they needed to be made, and if our case has been reviewed.
Another week of waiting and praying for answers.
We don't know how Ronaldo and Julia took the news of the adoption. That one bears heavily on me.
I don't particularly like this way of living. I don't like that the computer and the phone control so much of my daily life. I need to sit right here "just in case", but at the same time, life keeps going. I don't like wishing my life away, hoping to get to the next day and praying that it will bring news. It exhausts me, mentally and spiritually.
Round 30 of this boxing match.
I'm tired of my heart being split between two countries.
I just want my babies.
Here.
All together.
I'm struggling with the weariness. I've been on this road for too long. I'm ready for the next part of the journey.
Here is a beautiful poem, written by my cousin's daughter. She wrote it for her grandpa who was just diagnosed with cancer. However, the words of it hit me square between the eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I continue to draw comfort and hope from it. With her permission, I'm sharing it with you...
O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Psalm 139:1-6
My nerves are shot. Things are suddenly moving again in our case, and last night was a night of little sleep for me.
On Thursday we found out that the kids' corrected birth certificates had been received and had been added to our case file the day before. This means that now our file is complete with all the corrected documents. Our lawyer asked on Thursday about scheduling the Empathy Study in Guatemala, but the Central Authority asked him to check back the middle of next week. It could be as short as a couple of day from then that we go, or it could be as long as a few weeks. Or, if there is a problem with a different one of our papers, we might be set back months. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, looking down at my campsite below. So close I can see it, but so far I feel like I'm never going to get there.
This little sweetie celebrated her 6th birthday last week. We had her first "real" party, a princess party complete with lots of pink and and lots of bling. :)
So many thoughts went through my head as I watched my littlest daughter that day. I cannot believe how far this precious girl has come. She knew when she was getting overwhelmed and she would either cuddle on my lap, or sit quietly by herself for a bit. So different from her birthday two years ago and her birthday last year.
I am so proud of her and so in love with the amazing little girl she is.
Here's where we stand as of this week. The Central Authority was willing to accept our file with photocopies of the kids' birth certificates and our file has been submitted as "complete". According to our people in Guatemala, the CNA is reviewing our file and we have been in communication with the CNA about our empathy study. We are praying it will be this month yet, but as we know full well by now, anything can go "wrong" at any time.
How am I doing?
Pretty much a basket case right now. :P
The crazy thing is, I've been in this exact place of nerves so many times, and yet it all feels brand new all over again. Those fluttery feelings...when you find out you're expecting a baby, when you get that referral call, when you see those first ultrasound pictures, when you get a travel call. The worry, the excitement, the fear that at any minute something could go very wrong that would potentially change everything.
Again.
Whew.
Please keep praying. I feel like my brains are completely fried right now.
And if you have a minute, please add to your prayers my dear friend, "M". "M"'s case has been a battle from the start. She has been key in helping me with my case, while at the same time fighting for her own little one. She has been an amazing friend and ally to me, and she could desperately use some prayers right now.
And just because, :) here are the two kiddos who wiggle their way into my thoughts a million times a day. Whose faces haunt me in many conversations with my Father as I walk through another round of sleepless nights.
Mommy loves you guys.
Sometimes it's good to look back.
One year ago today, I wrote this post. That day is forever burned in my mind as not only the single most humiliating and humbling experience of my life, but today also as a springboard of deep hope for all parents parenting children struggling with attachment difficulties. June 8, 2008 left purple stains across both my arms and the deep purple bruise of embarrassment across my heart. June 8, 2009 finds my heart saturated with a love that goes deeper than any bruise of the skin.
Today one little guy is so completely engraved into the fabric of our hearts, that my body often forgets it did not birth this child. We women often talk in this house, about how lucky Jac's wife will be some day. This little boy who's tender heart spills love to everyone around him. Jac, who if he sees his sisters crying or even just laying on the floor, will come over to them and gently rub their backs. The little guy who tells Emilee daily, "I love you Emilee" (much to her dismay :)). My sweet baby boy who comes out of bed each morning and caresses me with his cold, soft, little black hands and says, "I love you mommy" in his sleepy, sweet boy voice.
I could not possibly love this little guy one millimeter more, and I look back on those days one year ago and find it hard to even fathom that this is the same child. I know now without a doubt, that Jac's fears were bigger than he could put into words and that a tender touch is always the best way to deal with his fear. But then? We were just beginning this life together. Learning how, without road signs, to navigate a path that neither of us had traveled before.
Praise God for healing.
Praise God for His love, that washes away the muddy tracks of a multitude of missteps and ventures off the road.
Every day I look at my son and I am overcome by a rush of emotions. I believe with all my heart that adoption should never have to happen. But in a world broken and beaten by evil things that happen to good people, I thank God that He blesses adoption. I thank God every day that He chose to us to be this child's family.
And so today, June 8, 2009, I sit here with tears flowing down my face, one year wiser.
One year humbler.
Today I fall to my knees as a sweeping ocean of mother love washes over me.
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